The trilogy of the three. . . Cog, Jim, Mac Tough Guys or Nettle Warriors

Tough Guy.. what is it about… in a nutshell a cross country run followed by a hellish obstacle course which is referred to as the killing fields. Getting the idea that this is not a normal straight forward race.

The statistics will tell you how hard it is for example, this year 2005, out of 4500 starters less than 3600 arrived at the finish line.

Injuries included lots of sprains, rips and fractures with one lost finger trapped on a rope. Several hundred competitors were treated for hypothermia with some reaching the 3rd stage of danger. I think i was nearly there my self.

So with all this in mind and just because it may not be tough enough one drunken night you agree to a dare, extreme ironing, well it sounded like a good idea at the time. A full size ironing board and iron strapped to your back, what a great idea.... 'TOUGH GUY' Not that stupid because you agree to share the ordeal with a mate.

It all started with a gentle 8 mile run, about 5 miles into this kindly summers day stroll there was a hill upon which we were cast and forced to run.. run up and down and up and down and again up and down in fact 12 times up and down this gentle rolling hill (about a 70 degree slope) we ran, then into the magical forest so you can spoil yourself with natural remedy treatments for the complexion, treatments like running through the forests being wiped by brambles, known as exfoliating the skin in the trade, also running through ankle deep mud now we all know the benefits of mud baths and their excellent mineral content, and finally running through rivers of fresh icy spring water now that puts the bounce back in your step, excellent treatment for the complexion and soul, we must look at least 5 years older.

The 8 miles must be near the end please, just as you struggle to draw your breath and you can run no further you see it, no point turning around and running, you realize that trying to run is useless as your legs will not, cannot move any more, don't bother to scream no one will hear you, the first of the 5 pits, 7 foot deep pit filled waist deep in freezing water as if that's not bad to get through these you have to crawl to the edge on your belly and drop in because the area is covered in cargo nets, in out, in out, in out survived that, easy bring it on...
There on the horizon there in front of you... you cannot go around it they wont let you, it doesn't look that big, you get closer it gets bigger "aw nooo" goes the call, the first of the main obstacles.

It rises mammothly out of the ground at about 10 meters high but looks much bigger they call it the Tiger, Tiger? its not orange or stripy? a big wooden frame to climb, scramble, claw over, make sure you get over it quick as there is an overweight chap behind you wearing nothing but a G-string, I think he is part of this contest, you do not want to be behind him. As you get to the top you see it... it cant possibly be, but its true, it has a twin, you scramble down through the electric fence, I get zapt twice thanks to the ironing board should have got a plastic one, and up the next one, the highlight being at the bottom there is a lady giving out jelly baby's, yea like that helps.

You survive with no falling, the tightrope is next, not a problem to one so tall you may think, but you forget the ironing board, take it off and with your feet on one rope and your hands on another balancing you and board delicately, yes see I can be delicate, the shorter of your amigos is not so lucky and plummets down, but wait its ok he has been caught in the fall net he is still laughing or is that a grimace, does not matter you point and ridicule him anyway. You spot a large pool next and think it would be great fun to run jump as high as you can (all three of you) and splash into it, after all you are a bit sweaty, also see if you can get any spectators wet, was that a bad idea, you hit the water ok, you go down under, but like in the cartoons you immediately jump into the air and claw your way up the muddy bank screaming, was I on drugs am I hallucinating I thought that was a sandy oasis in the middle of this muddy quagmire, how wrong how bitterly wrong, stagnant freezing mud pit, that freezing mud is now every where. Only another 3 of these pits to go, "sod it" says your mate as he repeats the mistake you have all just made, do you not learn from it, do you follow, of course you do after all what are you a daisy warrior or tough guy.

Onwards and upwards through the tyre tunnel, bit sore on the knees but simple enough even with the board, into the mud flats, thigh deep mud, glorious trainer sucking off deep mud, you revel in it, big mud fight breaks out, great laugh even though you end up face down under it, needed a shower anyway, by far the hardest bit on the legs as they are beyond tired with the muscles slowly seizing up, your fingers and toes are now completely numb.

A time elapsed point, 2 hours 8 minutes the clock strikes, is this good or bad?? hope we are more than half way round..... Into the Viet Cong Terror tunnels long, cramped, dark and bad for the knees, easy enough though can't feel the pain anymore.

More rope and climbing challenges and into more ice water .. ooo that's cold, then we spot it just over there.. where.. through those trees... look the scorching sun is reflecting of that clear blue water, yea right, what is it through those trees "No way" "Waay" goes the tough guy chant as realisation begins to take a grip, its... its the daddy of all water obstacles.

Downward we plunder forever downward into the valley of death we rode, guns to the left of us, guns to the right of us, sorry wrong tough guys.

Downward we plunder forever downward into the icy river we plummeted to just over waist deep, we worked our way round to two tree trunks that stretch from bank to bank just on the surface of the water do we go over.. no do not have the strength, under we go, then and onto a five minute wait at the entrance of the water tunnel, the water level is now above waist height, its cold its very very cold all the men are checking certain parts of their anatomy, still there I think. At last we get the signal our turn, board comes off and is passed over.. deep breath and under, where am I, cant stand up with out hitting my head, confused don't understand, too cold to panic and brain has frozen anyway, my hair gets grabbed by a marshal and am pulled up into a breathing hole, a roar well a whimper really of "FFFF that's cold" big breath again no time to think cant think and under and up into another breathing hole, eyesight is fading now with the cold everything is blurry, under again and out, you are up out of the tunnel still in waist deep water, your eyes start to clear you can see it its only 20 meters away, go on you can make go on my son.. the bank its just there reach out grab it with all your might grab it. BANG the mother of all ice cream headaches pays you an unwelcome visit, in-fact that is does not even start to do the pain any justice, well at least it means I am still alive.

Out of the water to cheers and there is our brave hardy spectators Kay, Jo and Lauren we brought along with us offering us the welcome warmth of vodka, at least we can run around to keep warm the are just standing there...

Feeling slowly coming back into the legs and feet but this is not a good thing as it brings the pain, bit like running on broken glass, we spot more water, but first we have to get over a bale of hay simple you might say, this is no normal bale this is a tough guy bale.. What's a tough guy bale you may ask, well its about 6 - 7 meters in height all you have is a rope hanging down, quick get the feeling into your hands so you can grip it and pull yourself up, no good well go the real tough guy way and use your teeth to pull you up, (not really), up and over no problems again very handy being 6' 3".

On top of the bale it feels like a hurricane is blowing across you see it the next obstacle, your just warming up and you know what is coming yes more water in the form of an obstacle called the Sub Zero Artic Plunge, again you climb up a Tough Guy bale but the only way down is at the end of a slippery plank into a deep freezing river, who ever designed this course is a sadist, the further you jump the less time in the river so a big leap, unfortunately the ironing board was no use for surfing, after I resurfaced coughing out a gut full of muddy water I had to swim the remaining 20 meters.

Out of the river with no feeling again but the end is nigh.

A few more things to get through, crawling on your belly under barbed wire and through water, a short run over some tires, over fences, walls and the end hill, no chance of running up so onto the hands and knees and over we go. Then like a shining beacon in the distance we see it, we wipe the mud and straw from our beaming faces, its a great sight, the best sight the finish line we link arms and cross together 3 hours 8 minutes 29 seconds. Medals are issued to disheveled wrecks wrapped in tinfoil trying desperately to stop shaking so they can drinking hot chocolate no chance of this as it spills everywhere, there is nothing but massive smiles and a great sense of achievement from everybody....

What a day what a feat, It was cold, no, it was bloody cold, painful grueling, yet as I sit and reflect on this a week after Tough Guy 2005, I think what a buzz I got from the whole event, the build up, the run, the overwhelming sense of relief and achievement I felt crossing the finishing line. Having competed in my first Tough Guy last year I had to prove it wasn't a fluke and despite considerable cold river training I was not prepared for the sheer water temperature and the effect on my body.

What a day what a feat,

Would I do it again.....

.........

So inspired by Tough Guy, Rob 'The Finger' Woollen*, a veteran competitor was moved to put pen to paper write a poem about Tough Guy and what it mean to him. Those of you who weren't tough enough to complete all the obstacles correctly and 'opted' out of a few please read carefully.

To learn more about the Tough Guy contest visit www.toughguy.co.uk

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